When Tomorrow Starts Without me Read online

  "I'm not sure that's the answer to this, Kenna."

  "It is for right now. The one parent I held out hope for has let me down just as much as the others. A mindless party is exactly what I need right now."

  "If you're sure."

  "I am!"

  Rogan turns on the car, and we drive in silence. I feel bad for snapping at him, but I don't apologize. I'll do that later, after I've had time to properly wallow in self-pity. I need to do that first.

  Twenty minutes later, we pull into a nice neighborhood, similar to Rogan's. He parks on the street, behind a line of cars all leading to a forest-green three-story house. Music sounds as soon as I step onto the sidewalk. It gets louder as we walk toward the home.

  The front yard is covered with people, laughing and having a grand time, all holding beer cans or red plastic cups. The lawn is littered with empty drinks.

  If not for being so furious with my mom, I'd probably be nervous. Not only is this Tiana's house, but I've never been to a party like this before—people stopped inviting me to parties as soon as everyone moved from birthday bashes to random drinking binges.

  Inside, people call Rogan's name and cheer. Several guys I've never met yell out congrats for the band.

  Rogan introduces me to people all along the way. I can't remember a single name, and I haven't even had anything to drink yet.

  We make our way through the house and to the backyard. There's an enormous pool, and it's full of people.

  "I didn't realize I should've brought my swimsuit."

  Rogan gives me a quick peck on the lips. "I didn't think about it. We can always swim at my place if you want. It's a lot less crowded there."

  "It's fine. I'm not in the mood for a dip right now, anyway."

  Tiana runs over and hugs Rogan, ignoring me. "I'm so glad you made it. You want something to drink?"

  My anger intensifies at her bold display of rudeness.

  Rogan puts an arm around me. "We'd love one."

  "Great. I'm heading in to mix some drinks." She brings her hand to Rogan's face and squeezes. "You want a margarita on the rocks, like usual, big guy?"

  My mouth drops open. Maybe she's drunk. She has to be. Drunk and stupid.

  "We can just grab a can of beer." Rogan steps back, forcing Tiana to let go.

  She just steps forward and rubs his face. "I like this five o'clock shadow you have going. It's super sexy."

  I step between them. "Don't you have a boyfriend, Tiana?"

  Her face twists as she stares at me. "Ugh. You're here?" She turns to Rogan. "When are you going to ditch her?"

  "Never."

  "Your loss. I'll be back with those drinks." She scampers inside.

  Rogan pulls me close. "Ignore her. Clearly, she's had too much to drink."

  "That may be, but she doesn't like me regardless of how much alcohol is in her system."

  "Don't worry about her. I only have eyes for you."

  I step closer and press my mouth on his, deepening the kiss immediately. "Sorry about getting mad at you before. I'm furious at my mom—I mean Caroline—not you. I appreciate you going to all that effort to find her. I shouldn't have expected anything more from the only mom I've known. Well, until she walked away." I sigh.

  He cups my chin. "I just wish you could've found what you're looking for."

  "Maybe I'm not meant to. Can't change the past, so why worry about it? I just want to enjoy my life from here on out." I grab his arm and drag him over to the pool.

  "I thought you didn't want to swim?"

  "Let's just dip our feet."

  "Sure."

  I unbuckle my strappy sandals and set them under a chair with a bunch of other shoes. Rogan kicks off his shoes and we sit at the pool's edge.

  A group of about ten are playing a drunken game of Marco Polo, and it's seriously hilarious. Half of them can't keep their eyes open and all of them are slurring the words.

  "Here are your drinks." Tiana smiles and hands us both a glass filled with a green drink and something lining the edge of the glasses.

  "Thanks." Rogan holds his up.

  "My pleasure. I made them just for you guys." She runs over to a group of shirtless guys flexing their muscles and laughing.

  I sip the drink, mostly curious about the stuff on the side of the glass. It's bitter. I pull the glass away—I hadn't been expecting that. "What is that?"

  Rogan smiles. "Just salt. It tastes better if you have it with the margarita."

  "If you say so." I came here to forget about my worries, so I take a big swig of it. The salt actually did taste good with the lime-flavored drink, although it left a funny aftertaste. Something weird.

  I finish mine before Rogan is halfway through his.

  He arches and eyebrow. "Maybe you should slow down a little. We can stay here all night. This party could go for days, knowing Tiana."

  "And I'm ready to forget everything right now."

  "You're call. I just don't want you to do anything you'll regret."

  I stare into his eyes. "I'm not going to regret anything that happens tonight."

  He leans closer and whispers in my ear. "Nothing you do will hurt your parents. Don't do anything to hurt yourself."

  His face turns blurry and his body moves in rippling waves.

  "You okay?"

  "Never better." I take a deep breath and focus on the pool. It moves in waves too, but that's because it's water. And it's calling to me. "Let's swim."

  "What?"

  "Yeah, come on."

  "Without suits?"

  I turn to him and pull on the bottom of his shirt. "You can swim in shorts. They'll dry in like five minutes in the sun."

  He removes my hands and kisses my fingertips. "Let's go swim at my place, in private. That'll be a lot more romantic."

  "I want to swim now."

  "In that dress?"

  "I can take it off."

  "What?" He looks at me like I'm crazy. His face is waving again. Everything behind him is changing colors.

  Rogan

  Kenna stands and pulls her dress up.

  I grab her hands and clutch them in my grasp.

  "Hey, don't stop the show!" some jerk yells.

  My attention stays focused on Kenna. I stare into her eyes. "You don't want to do this."

  She struggles to get free. "Yes, I do."

  I take a deep breath. "I don't want the first time I see you with your clothes off to be here. Like this, with people watching."

  "There's no difference between underwear and a bikini." She continues pulling, but I won't let go.

  "You're wrong. It's a world of difference, Kenna. A swimsuit is meant to be seen. Your bra and panties aren't. They're private. Intimate."

  She yanks her hands from me. "I hate that word! Don't use it around me!"

  "What? What word?"

  "I'm certainly not saying it."

  I take a deep breath. "Let's see if Tiana has a suit you can borrow."

  Kenna folds her arms. "Right. Because she likes me so much."

  "She made you a drink. It's like an olive branch."

  "No, it's so she wouldn't look bad to you. That's all. She wants you, Rogan. Bad. She'd bang you out here in front of everyone if you'd let her."

  "Kenna!"

  "It's true, and you can't deny it."

  I grab her arm, careful to be gentle.

  She yanks it out of my grasp and glares at me.

  I take a deep breath and try to figure out the best way to get her out of here without making more of a show than we're already giving everyone.

  Before I can speak, she pulls her dress up to her waist. A wide range of feelings and thoughts run through me. Mostly horror that all these people can see Kenna in her panties.

  "Don't do this." I take her hands but the dress is too tight to fall back into place.

  Catcalls and rude comments fill the air. It takes all my self-control not to beat up everyone in sight.

  I hold my gaze on Kenna's eyes.
"Fix your dress."

  "No. I'm going for a swim."

  I reach for her, but she already has her dress off. She throws it at me and dives into the water, but because her reflexes are so slow, she bellyflops. The she flails around, gasping for air.

  The shouts and catcalls only grow louder. I'm going to end up in jail for assault if this keeps up. I drop the dress, yank off my shirt, and dive in.

  She fights me, practically pulling me under. I struggle to keep my head above water. The taste of chlorine fills my mouth, and I choke.

  I move away from Kenna and regain my bearings. After I get all the water out of my throat, I tread water. "You ready to dry off?"

  "I just got in!"

  "Do you even know how to swim?"

  "Yes! I may be poor, but I'm not stupid."

  I throw my head back in frustration. "That's not what I meant."

  "It's what you were thinking."

  "No. It just looks like you're having a hard time."

  "I'm not. This is great. Much better than being around any of my parents."

  "Great. Yeah, exactly." I continue treading water as she flops around. I make a mental note to keep her away from alcohol after this.

  Tiana appears at the pool's edge. "Having fun?"

  I glare at her. "How strong did you make her drink?"

  "Yours and hers are the same strength. Guess she's just a lightweight. She's gonna be fun to watch!" Tiana laughs. "You want me to make you another one? Or I can make you something else. Anything you want. I'm on my way in to make a Midori Sour. I can make it two?" She smiles widely, reminding me of a Cheshire Cat.

  "No, I'm good."

  "You sure?"

  "Yes." I grit my teeth. Once all this is over, I'm going to have a serious talk with Lathe. If he can't get his girlfriend to respect mine, something has to be done, and before we sign with Frost Amberley.

  After a few minutes, Kenna makes her way over to the pool's edge. "I'm done."

  I beat her there. "I can help you out."

  "I'm perfectly capable, you know."

  "Okay." I wait for her to get out.

  She struggles to pull herself out, and after several unsuccessful attempts, she hits her chin on the tile.

  I wrap my hands around her waist, and try not to think about the fact that she's only in her bra and panties. I tell myself it's a swimsuit, but it doesn't work.

  Finally, she pulls herself up to the side with the help of my hefting. She dangles her feet in the water, splashing me as I climb out. I'm careful to keep my gaze averted. If she wasn't drunk, she'd be horrified to be sitting next to me wearing almost nothing.

  Luckily, everyone else seems to have forgotten all about our drama a few minutes before. Now people were cheering on a dude who was chugging something from a huge glass.

  Kenna stands up and looks around. "Where'd you put my dress?"

  It's probably under my shirt. I gestured in the general direction, keeping my gaze on the water.

  "It's not here."

  "What do you mean?" I spin around.

  She waves my shirt in front of her. "It's. Not. Here."

  "That's impossible." I scramble to my feet, take the shirt, and shake it. Then I look around. Her dress is nowhere. "That's not possible."

  "Apparently it is. I don't care." She flops onto a deck chair and closes her eyes.

  I cover Kenna with my shirt, but she flings it off. I question everyone in sight, but if they know where Kenna's dress is, they aren't telling me.

  Poppy and Ashton stroll over, hand-in-hand. Poppy glances over at Kenna. "She okay?"

  "No. I need to find her dress. Someone hid it."

  Poppy rolls her eyes. "So typical." She lets go of Ashton and kneels next to Kenna. "Let's go raid Tiana's closet."

  Kenna's eyes fly open. "She'll be so pissed."

  "Who cares? You need clothes, right?"

  "I guess."

  Poppy helps Kenna up. "Come on. I'll take you to her room."

  I throw her a grateful glance. "Thank you."

  "No biggie." She and Kenna disappear inside the house.

  Ashton sits where my shirt is and tosses it to me. "What was that all about?"

  I grit my teeth. "Lathe's going to find himself with a black eye, and maybe worse."

  Kenna

  My head is pounding. My legs are sore. Worst of all, I can't open my eyes.

  Where am I?

  I try to sit up, but it's useless. My body will not cooperate.

  My throat is raw, and my mouth tastes like vomit. Little chunks of something are between my gums and cheek.

  I threw up?

  What happened? How did I get here?

  Help!

  The sound doesn't make it to my mouth, so nobody heard me.

  Whatever's going on, I need to get my body to cooperate.

  Something digs into my side. I move to get away from it.

  I try to remember the last thing I can. It's hard with my pounding head, but at last, I recall being at Caroline's—she's not my mom. Not anymore.

  What happened after I left? I ran from her condo, but then what?

  This would all be so much easier if my head didn't feel like it was going to explode.

  I vaguely remember Rogan finding me. Did we get into his car? Go somewhere? It's all so foggy.

  Did we get into a car accident? Am I in the hospital? That seems unlikely, given hospitals smell so sterile.

  Wherever I am, it has a funky odor. And doctors would have given me painkillers, right?

  I groan and fight with my eyes. Why can't I hear anything? Remember anything?

  No! I'm not dead, am I? If I was, I wouldn't be able to think about all this. Or would I? Nobody actually knows what happens after we die.

  What if I went back to the train and succeeded this time? Could this existence be all I have left? Wondering, regretting, hurting?

  It can't be. I want to live. I have to live.

  Rogan and his family have given me hope. A second chance. Even if all four of my parents are horrible people, then at least I have Rogan and Sutton. There are people who care about me.

  But where are they? Are they looking for me? Do they know I'm here—wherever here is?

  Maybe I'm just better off going back to sleep, or whatever I was doing before I realized I'm stuck inside a painful body that won't cooperate.

  I have to fight this. The fact that I was able to move away from the pokey thing tells me I can do more than just lie here.

  As I attempt to open my eyes, I try to remember anything beyond being at the condo with Rogan. I think he offered to take me somewhere to eat.

  But where?

  Wait.

  He mentioned a party.

  My stomach twists and lurches. That has to be where we went. But why can't I remember anything? I should be able to remember something.

  None of this makes any sense, and I need to find out what's going on. Did someone do this to me?

  Where was the party? Who was supposed to be there?

  Tiana. She can't stand me. Hates me for being with Rogan.

  This has something to do with her. I'm sure of it, though I have no memory of anything. After all the death glares she's given me, it's the only thing that makes any sense.

  I continue struggling. Finally, I crack open an eye.

  It's so bright!

  I close my eye again. This is ridiculous. I fight to open it again and force myself to adjust. It's only then that I realize it's actually dark outside. There's only a little light on the horizon.

  I'm outside.

  There's a light shining not far away, and that's what's bright. It's coming from a house. A big house, like the ones Rogan and his friends live in, but I don't recognize this one. At least not from my angle.

  I push myself to sit. Dirt digs under my nails.

  On the bright side, I'm not dead. I glance down to see how badly I'm injured.

  I don't have any clothes on. Just my bra and underwear. I scramb
le to my feet, covering what I can in case anyone can see me.

  Behind me are thick bushes. In front of me, the looming house. Music plays from somewhere. Laughing. Splashing.

  Where am I?

  Maybe the better question is, how can I get some clothes and then get as far away from here as possible? I can't go to the house. Not in my underwear.

  I can't go anywhere. But I can't stay here, either.

  What am I supposed to do? Where is anyone I know?

  More than anything, I just want my clothes. Or any clothes. I should try to figure out what happened to me before I got here, but I can't bring myself to think about it.

  I've spent most of my life being violated in one way or another. I don't want to know about anything else that's been added to that list. Something so bad I'd been used and discarded in some bushes like a piece of litter.

  Anger rages through me, making my head hurt all the more. Despite risking humiliation, I have to get away from this place.

  I pretend I'm wearing a swimsuit and creep toward the house, staying away from the bright light. I walk along the edge, my pulse pounding. My muscles cry out in protest. Even my skin hurts.

  But all of that is the least of my worries. If the homeowner finds me, I could get in trouble for trespassing and maybe indecent exposure. Maybe theft, if whoever left me here also stole anything. It would be my word against… nobody's. I don't know who did this to me.

  Could Theo be involved? I doubt he'd have enough money to post bail, but I wouldn't put it past him to find a way around that. He could borrow money or take out a loan, though who would be dumb enough to give him money was beyond my imagination.

  None of this matters—at least not right now. The important thing is getting myself out of here, fully clothed.

  A dog barks.

  I freeze, but it's behind a fence. It can't get to me.

  The music and conversation grows louder as I round the back of the house. I press myself against the building and keep going.

  A fence blocks me from going any farther. I peek through a crack in the gate and move around to see different angles.

  I can make out the corner of a pool, a bonfire, and a table full of food and drinks. Despite my lurching stomach, I actually am hungry. Who knows the last time I had anything to eat?