When Tomorrow Starts Without me Read online

  My mind races. One wrong word, and she'll block me.

  Me: Have you seen him recently?

  Caroline: Not since I left him in the dust. Who are you?

  Great. She's already suspicious.

  I may as well be upfront.

  Me: Kenna's boyfriend.

  Nothing.

  Crap.

  I refresh the screen. Her profile is still there. She hasn't blocked me. That's something.

  The little dots appear, showing that she's responding.

  Relief floods through me.

  Caroline: What do you want? Why isn't she asking me herself?

  Me: Kenna has questions, but I want to make sure you'll talk before I tell her I found you.

  Nothing. Then the dots.

  Caroline: Does she hate me?

  Me: No.

  She doesn't respond. I should probably say more, but then the dots start up again.

  Caroline: There's nothing to tell. I'm sure she knows why I couldn't live with Merle.

  Me: She wants to know why you left her with him.

  Caroline: I'm sure she does.

  Me: Will you meet with us?

  Nothing again. No dots. Not even a check showing she saw the message. But it's so short, she can see it in the preview. She's just not replying.

  Me: Or at least her. You have to admit she deserves answers.

  Caroline: OK.

  Okay? She just agreed?

  I leap up from the bench and text as fast as my thumbs will move.

  Me: Where? When?

  Caroline: Are you local?

  I have no idea where local is for her, but I'll make the drive. I tell her as much.

  Caroline gives me an address. It's only half an hour away.

  My mind races. I have no idea where Kenna is. Both she and my sister were gone from the house by the time I woke up.

  Me: I'll talk to Kenna and get back to you.

  Caroline: Sounds good.

  I stare at the screen, excitement pulsating through me. Kenna will finally get the answers she couldn't get from her dad.

  Once I can think straight, I send her a quick text letting her know I have good news.

  I head back to the house, waiting for her reply. When it doesn't come, I send Sutton a text.

  This is huge. Kenna's going to be thrilled. I can't wait to see the look on her face when she finds out that we're going to see her mom.

  Rogan

  Kenna stares at me, her eyes wide and her face paling. She says nothing.

  This isn't the response I expected.

  I take her hand in mine and pull her close so I can't see her expression. "This is good news."

  She shakes her head. "It's not."

  "What? She wants to talk to you, Kenna. She might be able to tell you about your birth parents. Something Merle will never do."

  Kenna steps back and stares at me. "I need to sit."

  "Okay." I guide her to the couch and sit, wrapping my arm around her. "Don't you want to know what happened? Why she left?"

  "I thought I did. Now I'm not so sure."

  "Why not?"

  She chews on her lower lip. "It's just more rejection. My mom chose to leave me behind."

  "You don't know that. What if he threatened her?"

  Kenna leans forward, puts her face in her palms, and mumbles something I can't understand.

  I rest my hand on her back. "Do you want me to meet her by myself? Then if the truth is too horrible, I won't tell you."

  She shakes her head, still not looking at me.

  "If the truth is bad, I'll break it to you lightly. You won't have to hear it from her."

  Kenna stares at me. "I never thought I'd see her again. How did you find her?"

  I tell her my story of searching online and finding the picture of her and Merle under the mistletoe.

  "Can I see her profile?"

  "Of course you can." I whip out my phone and go to the social media app.

  Caroline accepted my friend request. Now her profile is flooded with even more memes and links. It's going to take all day to find that one picture.

  Kenna takes the phone from me. "You're friends with her?" Her eyes and tone accuse.

  "I had to make sure she'd see my message. You know how those things get hidden."

  "Actually, I don't. I've only been online since you got me this phone."

  "Right. Sorry. Well, if I hadn't sent her the request, she wouldn't have seen my message to her. The fact that she accepted my request should make you feel better. She wants to connect with you."

  Kenna rubs her eyes. "Where's that picture of them?"

  I find the search bar and text Throwback Thursday. I still have to scroll pretty far to find the picture, but it finally shows.

  She stares at it, then turns the phone to the side for a better view as it flips and becomes bigger. "That's definitely them, though it had to have been before they adopted me, because I've never seen them kiss. Just argue."

  "It sounds like she's happy to meet anytime."

  "I don't know if I'm ready."

  "Maybe you'll never be." I rub circles on her back. "This might be one of those things where you have to do it anyway. I'll be there, so I won't let anything bad happen. We'll leave if it gets sketchy or she freaks out."

  "You really think I should face her?"

  The look in her eyes nearly tears me apart. "I think you'll be glad you did."

  She nods. "I hope you're right. What if she won't tell me anything, though?"

  "She already agreed to. Granted, I don't know how much she'll offer, but it's gotta be more than you already know."

  "Probably. So, when do we have to do this?"

  "How does today sound?"

  "Today?" Kenna looks at me like I'm crazy.

  "It won't give her a chance to change her mind."

  "You think she will?"

  I shrug. "No idea. I don't know her."

  She leans her head against my shoulder.

  "Or we could go to Tiana's. Lathe texted me that she's throwing a party."

  Kenna groans. "Tiana hates me."

  "I really think she's just jealous."

  "Fine. Let's go talk to my mom."

  "Really? Now?"

  She rises and digs her heels into the ground. "Before either one of us changes our mind."

  "That's the spirit!" I jump up and put my hand out for a high-five.

  She just stares at my palm.

  "Leave me hangin'. Okay." I lower my hand. "Let me just message her that we're on our way."

  "I'm going to change my clothes first."

  "Okay. Meet me by the front door when you're ready."

  "Sure."

  "Just don't change your mind."

  She throws me an eye roll before leaving the room.

  About ten minutes later, Kenna joins me in the entryway. She's wearing a short purple dress that hugs her in all the right places.

  My breath hitches. "All ready?"

  "No, but let's go before I decide I'd rather go to Tiana's party."

  I take both of her hands into mine and stare into her gorgeous eyes. "You've got this, and I'm here for you."

  She throws her arms around me. "Thank you, Rogan."

  I squeeze her and breathe in her sweet, fruity perfume. "Come on. Let's go before you decide on Tiana's party."

  Kenna laughs, then tugs on the bottom of her dress. "Do you think this is okay? It keeps riding up."

  I swallow, hardly able to take my eyes off her. "You look perfect."

  She looks down and tugs some more. "Thanks. I hope so."

  "Really, you do." I kiss her forehead and then open the door for her.

  The ride is quiet, and I keep the music low. This whole thing has the making of a darker, quieter song. I don't know if she'd be mad at me for thinking this way—after all, this is her life—but I can't help thinking this way. I'm a songwriter. Everything is a song to me. Especially Kenna.

  We pull up to a condo complex. T
he building sparkles and most cars in the lot are nice. Basically, it's the complete opposite from Merle's house.

  I turn off the car. "Looks like she's doing better for herself than before."

  Kenna frowns. "All without me."

  "That's not what I meant." I scramble to find something to say to make her feel better. "We don't know that she didn't want you here with her."

  "She could've tried harder if she did."

  "Maybe she did, and you just don't know it. Your dad could've kept it all from you."

  Kenna draws in a deep breath. "You don't need to defend her. If my mom really wanted me with her, she could've taken me. She could have. She just didn't."

  It's my turn to frown. "I'm not trying to defend her. I just don't want you feeling bad. That's all."

  "Thanks, but my family situation is what it is."

  "You know what? You're better than all of them, so you're going to rise above all this mess no matter what they do, or what happens in there." I nod toward the building.

  "I hope you're right. Let's do this."

  Kenna

  The walls inside are coated with fresh paint. There isn't a mark on them. Even the carpeting is in pristine shape. Everyone we pass smiles or says hi.

  I could've lived here if my mom would have fought for me. But she didn't, so I got Dad, Liz, and Theo.

  "Looks like this is the place." Rogan's voice breaks through my pity party.

  I turn and stare at the door. It too is perfect—no marks, stains, chips, or cracks. The numbers shine so that I can see myself in them. My dress is definitely too short. What was I thinking, wearing this to see my mom?

  "You want me to knock?" Rogan pulls some hair from his eyes.

  "No." I swallow and take a deep breath. "I'll do it."

  He gives a quick nod. "Whenever you're ready."

  I stare at the door. It seems surreal that I'm about to finally see my mom after all these years.

  Will she be happy to see me? Or was she glad to leave me behind? Did she want to fight for me, but had been too far beaten down by the cruelty of my dad?

  Shaking, I make a fist.

  Knock, knock.

  I'm cold. My entire body is freezing. I may as well be standing at the North Pole in a bikini.

  Rogan puts his arm around me. "No matter what happens, I'm here for you."

  The door opens slowly. My mom stands before us. She looks exactly like I remember her, except that her hair is shorter, about shoulder-length, and styled in a cute bob. Her clothes are also in fashion and in good shape.

  "Kenna."

  I can't tell by her tone or expression if she's happy to see me or not. "Mom."

  "Um, come on in. I tried to pick up."

  We walk inside the bright, open condo. It smells of fabric softener and roses. Everything is tidy and clean. A little orange cat sleeps on a cushion in one of the many window sills.

  I've always wanted a cat.

  Mom stops at the kitchen. "Can I get you anything? Water? A snack?"

  Rogan looks at me.

  I shake my head. Though my mouth is dry, I don't want anything. Not from her. Not now.

  "Let me know if you do."

  I nod. Coming here was a mistake. I ignore the urge to run past both of them and flee the building. I'd rather walk to Rogan's house in the hot sun than be here.

  We sit in the living room with my mom. Rogan and I sit on a soft leather couch, and she sits to my left on a loveseat.

  "Sorry for the mess."

  Is she just trying to make conversation? There isn't a single thing in sight that's out of place.

  This is the most awkward thing ever. I never should've come. What am I going to say? Am I going to get mad at her for something she did so many years ago?

  Something she could've rectified any time over the course of those years. At any point, she could've come back to the house and invited me to move in with her. And I would've. In a heartbeat.

  Rogan leans forward. "Kenna has some questions about her adoption."

  Mom's eyes widen. "That's what you want to talk about?"

  I tug on the hem of my dress. "That's one of the things. The main one, I guess."

  She takes a deep breath. "There really isn't much to tell. Your parents died, then we were notified because of Merle being the closest relative. It was a quick and quiet process. I barely remember it."

  My heart sinks. This is turning out to be a wasted trip. I stare at her a moment before speaking. "Do you know anything about my parents? Anything at all?"

  "I'm sorry. I never met them. Actually, I never knew anything about you until you came to us."

  "You don't know anything?" I grab a throw pillow and squeeze it. "Nothing? Surely, you remember something! Some detail. Anything that will help me find answers to my past."

  "I wish I could be more help. Have you tried asking Merle?"

  I just stare at her.

  "Of course, you did."

  A fire ignites in my gut. "Why did you leave me with him?"

  She squirms. "I, well, there was no choice, really."

  "No choice? You could've taken me if you'd have wanted to!"

  Mom licks her lips and takes a deep breath. "No, he's your blood relative. He wouldn't let me take you. No judge would side with me."

  My mind reels with shock. "Are you kidding? You both adopted me!"

  She takes a deep breath. "You know how he is. It's a fight I never would've won."

  "Yes, we both know how he is. That's why you never should've left me with him! If you cared one little bit about me, you never would've made me stay with a monster! Do you want to know what my life has been like?"

  "I can only imagine."

  Hot, angry tears blur my vision. "Well, let me help you out. He remarried, and she's as bad as him. She hates me! The woman does everything in her power to make me as miserable as possible. Oh, and how well she succeeds. Mostly thanks to her son."

  Mom finally looks back at me. "Her son?"

  "Yeah, he's in jail for raping me. Repeatedly." I hold her gaze, letting the news sink in. She needs to know the consequences of her inaction.

  She clutches the arm of the sofa. "I had no idea."

  "That's a lie! You knew Dad would never do a thing to protect me! Yet you walked away, leaving me defenseless against him."

  "Kenna—"

  "Just stop!" I jump from the couch. "You can't change the past, and if you can't tell me anything about my real parents, then we're done here."

  "I never wanted anything bad to happen to you. I'm sorry."

  "Sure you are." I glare at her. "Just look at this place. You've been living in luxury while I've spent my life in trailer trash central, trying every night to keep my stepbrother out of my bed and out of my body!"

  "I really am sorry. You never deserved any of that."

  "Of course I didn't! But I couldn't do a thing about it."

  Rogan rises and puts his arm around me.

  I don't take my attention off my mom. "Before I leave and never contact you again, can you tell me anything about my adoption? About my parents? I need to know something."

  She stands. "You'd have to ask Merle. He's got the paperwork, and he's the one related to them. He can point you in the right direction."

  "Except that he won't! And neither will you." I blink back the tears that threaten. I won't let them win. Then I remember something important. "Do you know anything about my identity being fake?"

  Her mouth gapes. "You know?"

  I gasp. "You know?"

  She falls back onto the loveseat.

  "Why isn't my identity real? Who am I?"

  My mom stares at the floor, then covers her face with her palms.

  "What else do you know?"

  She just shakes her head.

  "Why won't you tell me anything?" I'm practically yelling now, and I don't care. "What did I ever do to you? Was I so horrible that I deserved to be left with him? To be abused and terrorized every day of my life?"


  Mom looks up at me. "You don't deserve any of it, Kenna. Believe me, if I could've kept you away from him, I would have."

  "Why couldn't you?"

  She runs her hands through her perfect hair, messing it up. "I just can't."

  "Why not?" I step closer, now standing over her. "Why not?"

  "He has something on me. Something we did. I'll go to jail forever if he tells."

  "I'll never tell him you told me anything! Just tell me about my parents. I deserve to know!"

  She shakes. "I can't."

  "You're an even worse parent than I ever imagined! Tell me one thing, will you?"

  "What?"

  "I have a memory of being on stage. Both my parents are there. Is that real? Or something I made up to give myself hope that something better has been out there for me this whole time?"

  "You need to go. This meeting was a mistake."

  I want to rip all of her hair from her head. "You have answers and you won't tell me anything?"

  "You know how Merle is!"

  "I hate you. Don't worry, you'll never hear from me again." I spin around and storm out of the condo and into the hall, slamming the door behind me.

  Kenna

  Rogan catches up to me as I push the down button on the elevator. "Kenna, are you okay?"

  I stare at the doors, blinking back tears. "Take me to Tiana's party. I don't want to cry. I don't want to think about any of this. The only thing I want is to move on and forget about all of my parents. I can't do anything about any of them. They're all either dead or dead to me."

  He puts an arm around me. "Are you sure you want to go to the party? I can take you somewhere else. Maybe to that restaurant we went to the day we met."

  The doors open, and we step inside. "I want to go and forget about everything else."

  "If you're sure."

  "I've never been more certain about anything."

  "Okay."

  Once we're in the car, Rogan turns to me. "I'm really sorry I brought you here. If I knew she wouldn't tell you a single thing, I never would have insisted."

  I shrug. "At least I know she's useless. I can stop thinking about her. Stop wondering. Now I know. That's a good thing."

  He tilts his head. "I don't believe that, and I don't think you do, either."

  "Can we just go?" I twist my hair around my hand. "I want to drink and forget about everything else."