When Tomorrow Starts Without me Read online

  I take in a few deep breaths before closing her door and letting her sleep. She obviously needs it if she can sleep through me pounding on the door.

  Once she's awake and rested, we can search for answers. I head for my music room and play a few notes. My heart isn't into it.

  Music doesn't matter when Kenna's hurting. I need to find answers while she sleeps. Then when she wakes, hopefully I'll have good news for her.

  The first thing I need to do is see if there's anything online about the Ensgates having a daughter. It might not be easy, given the secrecy surrounding the adoption, but Kenna was three when they gave her up. It's not like Elise was secretly pregnant and then adopted out the new baby.

  They had her for three years. I shake my head, not able to understand it. If I had a kid that long, I'd never be able to give it up. How does someone just hand over their child like that?

  Anger bubbles in my gut, but I push it aside. We don't even know for sure that's what happened. Maybe Kenna's dad is some other dude with different-colored eyes. It's not impossible.

  I lean against the wall and start searching. It takes me all of three seconds to discover that they do have a daughter. Briar Ensgate.

  But she's listed as being a full year older than Kenna.

  Maybe Kenna remembers being adopted at the wrong age? Or maybe they're two different people all together.

  Kenna's parents are supposed to be dead. Not rich and famous and very much alive.

  Another quick search turns up pages of pictures of little Briar Ensgate.

  She looks just like the little girl in the slideshow that I thought was Kenna. Just like her.

  I try a couple more searches, and the last one is a punch to the gut. Old news articles declaring little Briar Ensgate was kidnapped.

  It can't be. But it makes too much sense. Her identity being fake. Not being allowed a phone. A black market adoption. It was no adoption at all. Kenna was kidnapped and given a new identity.

  Caroline's note—It's all a lie.

  The adoption was the lie. She and Merle kidnapped Kenna from her parents. They lied to her about everything, even her age.

  I jump up and run to Kenna's room, not bothering to knock. "Kenna, wake up!"

  She doesn't move.

  "Kenna! This is huge!"

  Nothing.

  I throw my hands into the air. "Of all the times to sleep!"

  Well, I can use this time to find more answers. I close her door and sit next to it, reading every article on the kidnapping.

  As it turns out, Maximo and Elise were heartbroken over it. They had received demands for money but couldn't say more than that because of the investigation. I combed through more articles, spanning the years.

  They put their careers on hold for a long time, crying out to the public for help. It had been a huge case, capturing the public's attention for a solid year before the trail grew cold and everyone had to move on.

  It had taken years for Elise and Maximo to get back to Hollywood. Elise hadn't been able to get back into modeling because she'd basically aged out, and she didn't want to model for anything other than the runways, so she went into fashion design.

  Every article is clear on one thing—even though they had moved on with their lives, they never moved on in their hearts. Briar's disappearance haunted them to the core.

  I go back into Kenna's room. "Are you awake yet?"

  Silence.

  "I'm going to make a call, then I'm going to wake you up and pull you out of bed!"

  Not surprisingly, she doesn't move or reply.

  I go to my room and call someone I never thought I'd call again.

  "Hello? What do you want?" Frost answered.

  "You owe me."

  "What?"

  I clench my fists. "You heard me. I need a favor, and you're going to help me."

  Frost laughs. "And you, kid, are delusional."

  "Nope. You were dealing with me, then you turn around and sleep with Lathe. How would you like that getting out?"

  "Are you blackmailing me?"

  "No. I'm just pointing out the obvious. Are you going to help me out or not?"

  She mutters something. "What do you want?"

  "I need to get ahold of Maximo and Elise Ensgate."

  Frost laughs harder this time.

  "I'm not joking."

  "Oh, pardon me. I thought you said you wanted me to get you in contact with the Ensgates."

  "That's exactly what I said. I can't find a way to get ahold of them online. That's where I need you."

  "Have you lost your mind?"

  "No, because I know you can get me their information."

  "And why would I do that?"

  I take a deep breath. "Because you don't want people to find out about your business relations with Lathe. I'm more than happy to go public with that information."

  "Do you want me to represent you? Is this what you really want?"

  "I wouldn't take you as my agent if you were the last one alive! I just want to talk with the Ensgates."

  "You think they'll get you a deal?"

  "This has nothing to do with my band. You have two hours."

  She mumbles something I can't understand. "Two hours? Have you lost your mind?"

  "Can you do it, or should I start talking to the media now?"

  "I'll see what I can do. I can't promise anything."

  "That's too bad—for your career!"

  The call ends.

  I grin. At least some good will come of the whole mess with Lathe.

  Now to pull Kenna out of bed so she can get ready to talk with her parents.

  Rogan

  Kenna, wake up! We're going to talk with your parents!" I pull the covers off.

  She's not there. It's just pillows and clothes.

  My heart sinks.

  Where is she? Images of her on the train tracks flash in my mind.

  "Kenna!"

  "What's going on?"

  I spin around to see Sutton. "Have you seen her?"

  "No. Where is she?"

  "If I knew that, I wouldn't be asking!"

  She races over and stares wide-eyed at the pile of pillows. "Kenna's definitely not here. This is what I do when I sneak out."

  "We need to figure out where she is! Now!"

  "Did you try calling her?"

  I whip out my phone.

  Kenna's phone rings from the dresser.

  I swear and end the call. "Now what?"

  "What's this?" Sutton picks up a folded notebook paper. "It's addressed to you."

  Hardly able to breathe, I take it from her. Sure enough, my name is written across the front in Kenna's handwriting.

  "Open it!" Sutton reaches for the note.

  I pull it away from her grasp and unfold it.

  * * *

  Dear Rogan,

  I can't thank you enough for everything you've done for me. You've given me happiness when I never thought I'd get any. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone else. You've shown me what it's like to be loved.

  Please know that's a gift better than anything else I've ever received.

  I just wish it was enough. I can't go on. Not when I ruin everything I touch. Caroline would be alive if I hadn't visited her, wanting answers. Your band would be together, and you'd be headed for the life you always dreamed about.

  Me, I was never destined for anything good. My birth parents didn't die—they didn't want me. I was sold to a horrible man who married an even worse woman who brought along her monster of a son to torment me all those years.

  I can't escape my past. No matter what I do, it's a part of me. Real life haunts my dreams.

  The pain is too much. I can't take it anymore, and I don't want to live with it for a moment longer.

  When tomorrow starts without me, remember the good times we had. Know you gave me something precious that meant more to me than anything else ever has. You brought a bright and happy light to my miserable existence. You gave me joy when
I never thought I'd have any.

  Losing your love and knowing my absence will hurt you are my only regrets in what I'm about to do. But please, move on. Don't let this hold you back. Go after your dreams and become the star you're destined to be. I believe in you, and I'll be smiling from a place where I no longer have to deal with pain.

  I love you,

  Kenna

  * * *

  I have to read the letter three times before I can comprehend it.

  "What does it say?" Sutton snatches it from me. She gasps and cries out as she reads it. "What are we going to do? How do we find her—and stop her?"

  "I'm going to the tracks." That's where she has to be headed. Unless she knows that's the first place I'll look. "Can you think of anywhere she might've gone?"

  Sutton snaps her fingers. "The lake!"

  I grab the note. "You go out there and look. Call me if you find anything!"

  My sister grabs my arm. "Should we call the police?"

  "Yes! I don't know why I didn't think of that. Call them. I have to drive." I run out of the room and nearly crash into Mom.

  "Where's the fire?"

  "Kenna's going to kill herself."

  Her face pales. "What? Where is she?"

  I wave the note in her face. "I don't know, and I don't have time to explain. This is her letter. Sutton's calling the cops. I'm going to find her."

  "Leave that note. They're going to want to see it."

  The piece of paper is all I have of her right now. But if it'll help save her, I'll leave it. "Hold on." I whip out my phone and snap a picture of it. "Just don't let the cops take it."

  "Where are you going? I'll need to tell them."

  "The train tracks in the woods."

  "What makes you think she's there?"

  I shove the letter in her hand. "I don't have time for this!"

  My pulse drums in my ears as I race through the house, nearly falling down the stairs. I clutch the railing and keep going.

  I have to get to the tracks before Kenna makes the biggest mistake of her life. Before she shatters my heart to the point of no return. I'll never recover, and I'll never be the same. And I'll definitely never again give my heart away.

  But there's no time to think like that. I'm going to save her. There's no other option.

  Kenna

  The cold sand squishes between my toes as the lake water laps up over my foot, glistening in the moonlight. I wiggle my toes and hold the feeling of the sand. It's the last time I'll feel that.

  I used to enjoy burying my feet in sand when I was little, but I can't remember if that was before or after my parents abandoned me.

  Not that it matters. Nothing matters anymore beyond finally escaping the pain.

  An owl hoots not far away. A chill runs down my spine.

  I don't know why I'm waiting at the shore. It's not like I'm hoping Rogan will get my note and find me. If anything, he's going to head in the opposite direction.

  Time is on my side unless random people show up for a late-night swim. It's not entirely out of the realm of possibility, so I really should get to business. I can't very well try to end my life with strangers there to watch. They'd probably save me or call nine-one-one.

  I head over to the deepest end. There are two choices, and either one works since I've never had a swim lesson in my life. I can jump off the dock or from the tree with the overhanging branches. No matter how I hit the water, I won't be able to do anything to get myself out.

  My heart pounds, making my pulse race through my body. This isn't going to be the easiest way to go. The train would've been quicker. So would my gun, if I had it. But both were out of the question. I had no way of getting back to the other side of town. Even the bus was out because I left my wallet back at Rogan's.

  No, I just need to do this. It'll be for the best. I cause nothing but heartache. Why else would my parents have gotten rid of me? To Merle, of all people. Clearly, they just wanted me out of their lives.

  I'm a burden. I ruin lives. But more than that, I can't live with the pain in my heart.

  Tears are threatening, but I don't want to give into them. If I don't now, I never will again. They will never win.

  At least I can go out strong.

  I have to crawl between some bushes to get to the tree from where I'm at. It's pretty easy. Obviously, others have gone through before me.

  Now to make my choice. The tree or the dock.

  Laughter sounds from not far away.

  That basically makes the choice for me. I scramble up the tree and hide in the leaves.

  The voices come nearer, but they stop at a different part of the lake. Just some teens pushing and teasing each other.

  Tears sting my eyes. Why couldn't I have ever had friendships like that? There were a few kids at school who were nice to me, but that was it. Nobody I'd ever call a friend. No one who I would've interacted with like that.

  I've missed out on so much.

  None of that matters now. I won't be able to feel the pain soon.

  The kids continue laughing and shoving one another. One girl flies into the water. The others roar with laughter. One of the boys calls her a name as she rises to her feet.

  My stomach churns, and my mind replays the horrible things people said to me online. Many of them even wanted me to do this. They told me straight out to kill myself.

  Tears blur my vision.

  They aren't going to win.

  I can't wait for those kids to leave. They'll never be able to get over here to save me in time, anyway.

  I blink back my tears and scoot toward the overhanging branch. It looks sturdy enough to get me right over the water.

  Rogan

  The tracks seem to go on forever, getting longer the harder I run. I haven't found Kenna or a train. I'm not sure what to look for if she was successful. Would the train have stopped? Would there be blood or body parts on the tracks?

  My stomach lurches at the thought. I stop and vomit. I'll never be able to live with myself if I can't get to her in time.

  I run faster. My foot hits the track wrong, and my ankle rolls. It's sore, but not injured. I keep going.

  There's no other choice.

  My phone rings.

  Is it good news or bad? My stomach lurches again, but I manage to keep my food down, not that there's much left. My stomach lurches a third time, and I can't keep the food down.

  The phone stops as the call goes to voicemail.

  I wipe my mouth and check the screen.

  It was Frost. The woman has some timing.

  I rub my aching ankle, and prepare to keep running.

  The phone rings again. It's her.

  "What?"

  "I got that number. We're done. Never hold my relationship with Lathe against me again. This number was not easy to get. Got it?"

  Relationship? I hold back a laugh. "What's the number?"

  "I'm going to text it to you. Don't contact me again. I want to hear you say it."

  "You'll never hear from me ever again—about anything. Not Lathe, not my band, nothing."

  "Good."

  The call ends. A moment later, the text comes in. It's just a number with an area code I don't recognize. Probably Hollywood or somewhere nearby.

  My pulse drums in my ears as I press the number with my thumb. The screen gives me the option to call, text, or save the number.

  I try to press save, but my hand is shaking and I press call.

  It rings once, then before I can end the call, someone answers.

  "Who is this?" asks the feminine voice on the other end.

  It's now or never. Elise will block my number if I don't speak up now.

  "Don't hang up. Your daughter's alive."

  "What? Who is this?"

  "My name's Rogan Scott. I live near Seattle, and I'm her boyfriend. We just figured out that you're her parents."

  Sobbing sounds on the other end of the line.

  A moment later, a male voice sounds.
"What's going on?"

  "Sir, I'm your daughter's boyfriend. I'm near Seattle, but I need to go."

  "Hold the phone, young man! You're not going anywhere. You know where our Briar is?"

  "She goes by Kenna now, but she's in trouble. I have to go and find her."

  "What the hell? Where is she?"

  "Look, I don't mean to be rude, but she's had a really hard life, and now she wants to end it all. I have to stop her!"

  He swears. "This better not be a prank."

  "It's not! She remembers you. I have to go."

  "Can I reach you at this number?"

  "Yes, but I gotta go." I burst into a run, finally realizing I can run and talk at the same time.

  "What's your name again?"

  "Rogan."

  Maximo clears his throat. "Okay, Rogan. We're getting on our personal jet right now. I'm calling you as soon as we're in Seattle."

  "I'll answer." I end the call, desperate to make up for lost time.

  I have to find her.

  My phone rings again.

  Everyone wants to talk to me now?

  I pull out the phone without stopping.

  It's Sutton.

  I accept the call. "I can't find her!"

  "We did." Sutton sniffles.

  Relief washes through me. "Oh, good."

  "She's unconscious!"

  I stop running, nearly tripping over a track. "What?"

  "The lake." Sutton gasps for air. "She tried to drown herself. Some kids were pulling her out as I got there. We took turns doing CPR until the ambulance came."

  I'm frozen. I can't even respond.

  "Rogan?"

  "I-is she going to be okay?"

  "They're taking her to the hospital. Mom's driving me."

  "Which hospital?" I finally get my legs to move, and I run back toward my car.

  Muffled noises sound as she asks Mom. "Harborview."

  I swear. That's where they send the people who are in really bad shape. And it's all the way in Seattle. "She's not going to die, is she?"

  "I hope not!" Sutton keeps talking as I ignore my ankle and run for my car. I can't follow what she's saying, but just hearing her voice helps to keep me sane.

  Finally, I reach my car. "Sutton, I've got to drive. Call me if you hear anything, okay? I'll put you on speaker. Just call."